I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize