I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Randomize
