hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
she told me i tasted like america
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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