Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
