we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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