my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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