I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
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