i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
