I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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