They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
