I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I will die if light touches me.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
