Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
