She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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