You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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