Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
