The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
