take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I look better un-naked...
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
