thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
