Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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