apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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