This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
