before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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