I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
