what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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