I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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