I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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