We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
