You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
