you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
