I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
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