at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
