Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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