Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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