I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
