I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
