i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
