I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
