Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
