awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
