sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
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