i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
