dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
