Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
