My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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