I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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