My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I don't think brook has ever known best
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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