this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
