Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
