two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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