Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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