My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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