I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
