he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
