You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
