So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
We smell like vodka and hangover
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
