I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize