yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
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feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
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It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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