She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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