Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
My feet surprised me
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
