i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
