I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
